We get asked for a a whole lot of donations on a weekly basis. Most of the time that's really cool because it allows us to support things and people we wouldn't otherwise know about. All of the stuff we're asked for goes toward worthy causes too. So it's hard to prioritize. Plus, we like going home at the end of the day feeling good about our own charity, which is sort of low-grade altruism, but we're counting it. Don't hesitate to contact Rick at firstname.lastname@example.org with requests.
Anyhow, sometimes people get really mad at us for not being able to help out. We're sorry about that. I guess it makes sense if you think small businesses are like into money like United States Mint or something. Like we're out here just making coinage. And it makes sense if you feel like you might be entitled to some of that because things are hard and life is a long series of disappointments strung together by things you don't really want to do. We'd empathize with you there, to a degree anyway. What puzzles us though is when people become unhappy with how we said yes to their donation requests. Here are our five favorite responses to our charity:
- HOW COME THIS ISN'T FOR MORE?
Person said, your pies sell for 20 dollars and this gift certificate isn't for 20 dollars. Thank God for public schools, the math checked out and we both agreed. The gift certificate wasn't for 20 dollars.
- DON'T YOU JUST THROW THIS STUFF AWAY ANYWAY?
Asked a person how many whole pies they thought they could use for something and was met with this question. Never trust a person who answers your question with a question.
- CAN I GET THIS MONDAY?
We're not open Monday. Yeah, but can I come get it then. I mean...
- THIS WILL BE A GREAT WAY FOR YOU TO ADVERTISE.
Like, oh, man. We hadn't thought about that. Forget other advertising mechanisms. Don't need them. You take the stuff, don't pay for it, and we'll profit. Suck it, BIG MEDIA. We've got it all figured out.
- I SPEND A LOT OF MONEY HERE.
We're not your kids. We owe you the best pie money can buy. From there, use the money to buy other people into submission if you want.